On Being Preggo and Productive

I never knew how much I'd learn just by having a fetus growing inside me. For example, today I learned that it just isn't old, really fat, or really uncoordinated people who can't put on their shoes while standing. It's also pregnant people! Wow, go figure!

Being pregnant is such a public thing. As a pretty private person (yeah I know I have a blog and you might be thinking, what kind of blogger is private?, but I don't tell you people anything about my personal life here really, so accept it, yes I am a pretty private person. Even my friends tell me so.) I don't really love this part of being preggo. Everybody looks at you and stares at you when you are drinking coffee. For example. It is none of your business, people! You even get random strangers who touch your belly. WTF?!

On the postdoc front, I'm progressing pretty well with pubs and such. I've got 1 new one under review, 1 revision under review, 1 about to go out the door next week, and more in the pipeline. Truth is, though, that the only one that is really compelling to me is the one that is so complex I can't find a statistician who knows how to analyze it. I need to work on meeting more statisticians. And then finding some money so I can pay one to do this for me.

My Own Awesome Typo

Thanks to a coauthor who reviewed my letter to the editor describing my revisions in response to a revise/resubmit.

Here's what I had written:

"While the reviewer is correct in nothing..."

While this is close to how I actually feel, what I really meant to write was:

"While the reviewer is correct in noting..."

Productivity

Why is it so hard to focus on a single project? Am I totally ADHD? Or ADD? (I don't know and don't care about the difference between ADD and ADHD. Although it would prove a useful waste of time and way to procrastinate.)

I've had this pattern for years. It was a big driver of my DHP (Dissertation Holding Pattern). I was able to crank out other papers and projects, much to the dismay/delight of my committee, but somehow it was like pulling teeth to work on the actual diss.

Little has changed. I am writing a proposal for a mentored career grant and presenting it to a small group of colleagues at a meeting early Thursday morning. Have I worked on it at all today? No. Instead, I'm preparing a manuscript for publication that is...TOTALLY UNRELATED and despite its near completion, BASICALLY IRRELEVANT to my current situation.

I think a lot of it has to do with my perfectionism. I hate to do something where it's not perfect. And trust me folks, a proposal with only $25K/year for research expenses is hardly going to be perfect. Or...maybe I'm just lazy.

Good News: My Postdocly Life isn't only about Neverending, Tedious Analyses

Postdocly bullets of the good and the bad and the research proposal:

I just got word that I was approved for a NIH loan repayment program. No word yet on the amount of the award, but I just wanted to thank myself and the rest of yous guys. Thank you, American Tax Payers! Yay! This is awesome.

More good news, a 2-times revised article has just been finally, officially accepted for publication in a high impact journal. Bad news, they are very very picky about editorial issues. Bah!

Another article, dating from my very first job as a graduate student--yes, this was years ago will be submitted in a few days, or whenever I get to it.

I am applying for an institutional career development award (75% salary support + some research support.) I so don't feel ready for this yet as I'm not even done with my first year of postdoc life. But it's an annual cycle and it's due at the end of September, marking my one year anniversary. So in some ways, it's good timing. Anyway, the good news here is I finally have an idea for what to propose. Still trying to figure out if it's feasible though.

The only bad news in the hopper (besides my recent family-of-origin drama that would make you cry if I told you more about it), I can't seem to run the analyses I need to present at a meeting next Monday. This might entail weekend work. :( Super lame, except that I have been keeping really limited hours lately due to pregnancy-related exhaustion and food requirements (which require me to spend more time eating and sleeping than working.) So I owe the postdocly Gods some more time, for sure.

Any of you female post-docs or grads in science/medicine/psychology who will be applying for faculty positions in the next year? (Not that there are any openings.) There is a great program at Rice University in Houston designed to help you find the ideal faculty position. Although I might be increasing my competition by doing this(!), I do think it's a great opportunity. Check it Out, the deadline for applying is mid-August.

Happy Research!

Random Bullets of Postdoclyness

•I just had my first dissertation article accepted. Huzzah! The reviews were the best I’ve ever had. One reviewer says, “ …I can see the paper being accepted almost as-is, and would not be surprised if that were the eventual decision.” WHOA. For the record, this is my first article in a good journal ever. It is also, not so coincidentally, my first good article. The others were mostly remnants from student projects. And it’s damn nice to know someone else thinks it’s good too.

•Can’t believe I’m already 6 months in to a 2 year postdoc.

•Do I just get the bad articles for peer review? Why do they all suck so bad?

•How is 100% soft money not some kind of violation of human rights?

•Why did I get myself volunteered to be a chair for a committee?

•Why has my article been “awaiting reviewer assignment” for 3 months? When it’s a freaking revision and has already been assigned reviewers!

•I can’t code well. I have no attention to detail. I waste a lot of time on fixing my own bad code.

•I hate my cubicle. I feel like it’s some kind of horrible hazing experiment to put the new postdoc in a cubicle with her back and computer screen facing the door.

•I really, really, really want to be a beekeeper. I think my backyard is too small for this right now though. It might upset some neighbors.

•Is it 5 yet?

•Is it normal that every other day I think about changing careers? When I haven’t even technically started this one?

•I am totally cynical. I think 99% of manuscripts in my field are b.s. Do I really want to write tons and tons of b.s?

•A small, optimistic, Pollyanna part of me really did think such existential crises would end post-PhD. The cynical remainder of me is pretty pissed (but not at all surprised) that this was not the case.

A Life of Research

Today I have been working on revisions to a manuscript and it's been like pulling my own teeth out. I have suffered though whole blocks of time in which I have felt utterly despondent and hopeless about the entire enterprise. During these times, I occasionally find myself drifting away into fantasy, surfing the interwebs. I will look for a simple job in the non profit sector, an opportunity to meditate in an Indian ashram, or ponder accepting an offer from a total stranger to accompany him in a wild roadtrip to Alaska in 5 days or less. But these moments of despondency/fantasy alternate with moments of elation, excitement, and a passion for la recherche scientifique.

How is it that I can simultaneously both love and abhor my job so much? What can I do to lessen the despondency and increase the excitement and fun?

Best Day Ever and I'm Still in My Pajamas!

I just found out that an article of mine got accepted, and with only minor revisions!

This article came from an idea I had back in 2004 and has probably been finished for a year. I am so happy that it finally has found a home. Actually this is the third journal that I've submitted it to and I was starting to lose hope that it would ever be published in the current form.

Hooray!

Some success is good

Some good news from the proposal front. After what seems like a lifetime of procrastination, revision, and some actual writing, I have completed some sort of final draft of my dissertation proposal. My chair and advisor have signed off on it and yesterday I sent it out to my statistician and my 4th committee member. I don’t expect many revisions from the committee member but the statistician, as they all are, is bound to be a bit more unpredictable.

It is, in total, including references but not all of my appendices, nearly 15,000 words long. What the hell is wrong with me?!

More good news: I have actually applied for data access. My data is kept under lock and key with what seems to be more security than the freaking Hope Diamond. Needless to say, the application to allow me to actually analyze the data is pretty intense. I wouldn’t be surprised if they undertake a criminal background check and start calling on my friends to find out my dirty little statistical secrets. I can totally envision my undoing, "Yeah, and once, she like totally forgot to check for multicollinearity when running a logistic regression exercise in class." Thus sounds my death knell.

Next up, university research application protocols and institutional review board (IRB) application. This is bound to be the best part.

Big Progress

In anticipation of my much overdue upcoming meeting with my advisor this afternoon I have made some big progress on my dissertation today:

1. I wrote something. (Holy cow!)
2. I removed 3 piles of papers off of my desk and placed them on the top of my filing cabinet. These were piles of papers related to other manuscripts that are in progress. I asked myself, "Why should these be competing wih the diss?" Now to get to them I have to look past the diss piles (which is getting increasingly difficult to do as they are growing exponentially).
3. I have given myself until COB tomorrow to finish my proposal revisions and send to chair. He is aware of this.
3. I am trying to scheudle a phone call with chair.

Yes!

How does it feel to submit a manuscript? A few weeks ago I got a revise and resubmit for an article. And today I actually finished the revision and submitted it online. Now I am gladly signing the copyright agreement!!! Yippeeee!

How does it feel to go away for the holiday weekend and pack swimsuits and shorts and flip flops after submitting it?

Awesome.