Postdocly Progression

This is how I recently summed up my postdoc experience to a fellow postdoc who is a few months behind me on this journey. I thought I’d share with y’all:

0-6 months: Everything going swimmingly. Everyone loves you. You love you! You are a rock star. And so is your mentor. Opportunities and data abound!!

6-9 months: Big. Depressing. Slump. You are a failure. This place and everyone here is soooo full of sh*t!

9-12 months: Insane productivity. Big ideas. Accessible data. Successful models. Promising results. Accepted grant applications. You are COCKY AS HELL.

*12-16 months: Pregnancy brain. Cannot complete a single task in an entire day. But you don’t really care. You just want to sleep. And pick out baby clothes. (“Those little sleepers are SOOOO cute! Why are my cankles so huge? Is it time for lunch?”)

Future predictions as to how the rest of my postdoc will go:

16+ months: You are now officially a breeder. All bets on scientific success and productivity are off. But who cares, because someone will be there to always love you even if you are a giant failure (at least until s/he turns about 13).

*I’m at 14 months into this postdoc. It’s definitely too long of a gestation. G-d help me.

Staying in Academia? Why am I always job searching??

I am in the middle of a major slump. I have had these fits regularly throughout the last half of graduate school and throughout my postdoc.

The last few months of my postdoc have been going so well that I thought this phase of my life was over. I always attributed them to general grad student malaise and my love/hate relationship with academia. But now...? I'm not so sure.

I have been spending my time at work writing easy emails, reading random articles unrelated to any specific project, attending lectures, looking online for jobs for Spousal Unit, looking online for dream jobs for me-academic and non-academic, putting together a baby registry, thinking about relocating to a different state, freaking out about money, checking on the status of my manuscripts under review, engaging in email discussions about unsolvable controversial issues, worrying what I will do if I receive the recent career development award I applied for, worrying what I will do if I do not receive the recent career development award I applied for, and generally avoiding real work.

Why do I do this? Why can't I just get started on a new project and make some headway on something new and/or some long-lost project at the bottom of my pile of things I really don't want to do?

Is this ever going to stop? Am I ever going to stop fantasizing about the "perfect" job where I wouldn't face these temptations and these periods of uselessness?

Is this just because my work is so deadline oriented that when I don't have a deadline I can't get anything done? This is definitely part of the reasons my dissertation phase was so looooonng and so horrible.

It's times like this where I convince myself I need to do some real work and start looking at the government and non-profit sector listings.

Productivity

Why is it so hard to focus on a single project? Am I totally ADHD? Or ADD? (I don't know and don't care about the difference between ADD and ADHD. Although it would prove a useful waste of time and way to procrastinate.)

I've had this pattern for years. It was a big driver of my DHP (Dissertation Holding Pattern). I was able to crank out other papers and projects, much to the dismay/delight of my committee, but somehow it was like pulling teeth to work on the actual diss.

Little has changed. I am writing a proposal for a mentored career grant and presenting it to a small group of colleagues at a meeting early Thursday morning. Have I worked on it at all today? No. Instead, I'm preparing a manuscript for publication that is...TOTALLY UNRELATED and despite its near completion, BASICALLY IRRELEVANT to my current situation.

I think a lot of it has to do with my perfectionism. I hate to do something where it's not perfect. And trust me folks, a proposal with only $25K/year for research expenses is hardly going to be perfect. Or...maybe I'm just lazy.

The District, My Manuscripts, and COFFEE!

Baracka is SUCH a celebrity, last night on t.v. I saw his new commercial promoting his stimulus plan, and I thought, wait, isn't the campaign over already? Now turns out he has his own reality show, The District! Awesome! Thanks Dub for the heads up.

For some reason I put together a manuscript time line (and shared it with my mentor) that has me submitting 3 papers in March. Ha! What was I thinking? Maybe I need my own reality vlog to document my own fall from grace. But the good news is.....I FINALLY SUBMITTED ONE OF MY DISSERTATION MANUSCRIPTS! To a top tier journal!

And most importantly, and quite possibly explaining the sheer freneticness of this post, is the following exciting revelation. How long have I worked here? Since October? And how many sleepy afternoons have I passed where I had no hope for a caffeinated kick in the pants other than a Diet Coke? Well, had I moved two feet to the right I might have noticed THIS (ok I wanted to put a picture link here but I'll have to take my own, apparently the internets aren't as enamored with it as I am) a little earlier. Oh yeah, a high class Wolfgang Puck "Crappy Cap" coffee vending machine(i.g. automated caffeine-pusher, which typically produces crappy cappuccinos.) This one, though, WOW, you can specify your degree of desired "STRENGTH" "LIGHTENER" and "SUGAR." (My favorite is the "lightener"--I ordered this extra strength!) And it it is gourmet--with options for vanilla, berry, chocolate, coffee, or combos of any of the above. WOW!! After just one cup: GO ME!



outtie~